Draco's New Attire
by Blinded Moon
Summary: CRACK! What happens when Draco comes to a Quidditch match wearing just a speedo and a feathered boa? Seduction, sexiness, fangirls, and a horny Snape: that's what! Humorous oneshot. Enjoy!


**Title to be Determined**

"Where the hell are they? This match was supposed to start fifteen minutes ago and they're still in the changing rooms!" Harry and his Gryffindor teammates were anxiously awaiting the Slytherin team to emerge from the locker rooms. Even people in the crowd were getting antsy, and everybody was wondering what was holding them back.

Suddenly, a loud bang was heard, and green and black sparks shot to the sky. Six of the Slytherin team members had emerged from the locker room, wands in hand. The only person missing was Draco Malfoy.

Harry turned to Ron. "Where is he? And what's up with the display. It's so—" Harry stopped when he saw the shocked expression on Ron's face. The crowd seemed to gasp as one, and loud dance music began to play, filling the silence. Harry turned around to see what had caused everyone's shock.

It was Draco Malfoy. He was perched on a small metal platform which seemed to be slowly rising upward from the ground. Multiple neon green spotlights were fixated on him. His hands were lifted above his head and he had one leg bent in a sexy and feminine pose. However, he wasn't wearing Quidditch robes like everyone else. He was simply wearing a tiny Speedo decorated in green sequins and a feathered boa consisting of green and black feathers. Harry wasn't sure whether to laugh, vomit, or faint.

When the music stopped and the platform reached its highest point, the Slytherin team fired more sparks, which spelled out "DRACO MALFOP" above the sexy beast. Draco looked up, and shook his head. "You idiots!" he yelled, and one of them quickly fixed the last letter in his name. With that, Draco struck a triumphant pose and everyone in Slytherin (along with many Fangirls and a FanBobby) all began screaming and thunderously clapping. Draco winkled at the crowd and new music began playing. He leaped off of his platform and quickly transfigured the platform into a metal pole. Then, to Harry's disappointment and intrigue, Draco began an obscene and seductive dance with the pole.

_This is just ridiculous_, thought Harry, and he walked over to a group of teachers to ask them why the hell Draco hadn't been stopped yet.

"Professor Dumbledore…can you please stop him?" asked Harry, as Draco continued to do his dance at the pleasure of the Fangirls and FanBobby.

"Actually, Harry, I think it's quite nice that Draco is expressing himself in this way. I think it's really helping to bring together the houses."

_Well he has a point with that_, thought Harry, noticing that many girls in Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw had started cheering. Draco flashed a smile out to the audience, and then produced his wand to transfigure the pole into a chair. Another song came on and Draco began a very sexy chair dance.

"Professor McGonagall, isn't this an infringement of the school rules?" asked Harry desperately.

"Well, Potter, there's nothing specific regarding exotic pre-Quidditch dances. And you'd have to admit, he is executing some very advanced transfiguration…I might have to give him some extra credit."

"Professor Snape?" begged Harry weakly.

"It was Lucius' idea," said Snape distantly, not paying much attention to Harry. Draco had transformed the pole into a cage, and abruptly began a cage dance. " And it looks like little pussycat's learning well from the big tabby," added Snape, licking his lips. "Rawr, pussycat, rawr!"

Harry, thoroughly irked by his professors (and disgusted by Snape), gave up and made his way back to the team. He quickly gave them a warning not to be distracted by Malfoy's strange demeanor and wished them luck.

After the cage dance ended and the Fangirls and FanBobby screamed for about half an hour, the game was finally set to start.

"Captains, shake hands," said Madam Hooch, staring enviously at Draco's perfect body. Harry grimaced as Draco approached with a strange and mischievous look in his eye. He was still in his Speedo and boa. Draco grabbed Harry's hand with such force that Harry nearly jumped. Draco gave a snicker at the reaction and winked, making Harry nearly faint.

_No, I can't let this affect me_, thought Harry, shaking his head.

"On your mark…"

Draco's eyes never left Harry's face.

"Get set…"

He was still staring with that same look. A bead of sweat formed on Harry's forehead.

"Go!"

The match started quickly, and for awhile, Harry played normally. His team had scored a few goals early on and Harry felt quite comfortable as he searched for the Snitch. However, Harry continued to feel Draco's eyes burning into him, even when Harry wasn't looking himself. _I need to just ignore him_, thought Harry. _Just look for the Snitch_.

Suddenly, it appeared about halfway across the field. Harry started zooming after it, and while he flew towards it, he looked to see if Draco had seen it too. However, Harry immediately regretted looking, as Draco winked and blew a kiss. Harry, startled, nearly flew into a goalpost, and when he was finally steady, he noticed that the Snitch had disappeared. Cursing to himself, Harry approached his blond opponent.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean, sweet thing," replied the scantily clad Draco in a low voice.

"I mean you're…you're gayness! It's so distracting!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Draco smoothly. "I guess that if you're distracted by me, it's only fair that I be distracted by you."

Before Harry could ponder the other boy's words, Draco had pulled his wand out and muttered a complicated spell. Red sparks shot out and Harry suddenly felt much colder. He soon realized why.

"Oh…my…GOD!" Harry gasped as he looked down at his attire, courtesy of Draco's spell. His outfit was now matching Draco's, except Harry's boa was red and gold: Gryffindor colors. "I'm going to kill you Draco Malfoy!" yelled Harry at the blond boy who was flying away laughing his head off.

"Oh yes, Harry, you're _sexy_ when you're angry!"

The Fangirls and FanBobby suddenly noticed Harry's new outfit and they screamed so loud that the game had to stop for a moment as each player covered his or her ears. They were all in fantasy heaven, except for Snape who was worried that Harry Potter would steal his pussycat.

Harry, though, quickly got over his scandalous attire (and actually found it quite comfortable). He noticed the Snitch again a few minutes later, and Draco was too preoccupied with making explicit gestures towards the FanBobby. Harry furtively shot through the sky until his hand closed in on the round ball. Cheers erupted as both teams reached the ground.

Many of his teammates congratulated Harry and asked him why he hadn't changed back into Quidditch robes. Harry overall ignored them though, and made his way over to Draco, who didn't seem very unhappy about losing the match.

"Okay, Malfoy. Game's up. Now spell me back my Quidditch robes."

Draco snickered and moved closer. Harry could smell the sweetness of the blond boy's sweat, probably enhanced by some cologne. "Only for a price," whispered Draco. The entire stadium was sitting on the edge of their seats. "One kiss."

Everyone reeled in surprise, especially Harry. A buzz filled Harry's ears as he turned to his friends for help. "Ron?"

"Don't do it, Harry! He's far too sexy for you!" yelled Ron.

"Yeah, Harry," said Ginny, "We were meant to be! Didn't you read HBP?"

"Wait, weren't you dating me," asked Dean to Ginny. She ignored him.

"Don't even think about it, Potter! The pussycat boy is mine!" screamed Snape.

"Harry, wait!" Hermione was rushing down from the bleachers. "You definitely shouldn't. Draco gave me genital warts!"

"But Hermione, you can't just get that from kissing."

"Oh, I know that," she replied, winking at Draco. He didn't respond.

"Wait, Hermione…what about us?" asked Ron, disgusted.

"Well, Ron, you'll either get me with genital warts or nothing at all," replied Hermione.

"Screw this, I'm going with Lavender."

"I think we've heard enough," added Draco. "So, Harry, what'll it be?"

Harry paused and sighed. "Well, Draco. Even though we've been enemies for six years, and your father is a Death Eater, and you're probably one too, and you're supposed to want to kill me, and I hate your guts…I guess it couldn't hurt." With that, the two moved in for a hot and lusty lip lock. The Fangirls in the stadium all began to weep upon losing the loves of their life (while FanBobby cheered voraciously).

However, they were soon cheered up when Draco and Harry announced that they were interested in threesomes and everyone lived happily ever after!

Except for Hermione who had genital warts and Snape who got stuck with the big tabby rather than his pussycat.


End file.
